. . . DIRTY LITTLE SECRET
 

Hello, I am Cristal’s dirty little secret. I am her enemy and her best friend. I am her gambling addiction. I have complete control over her, or should I say had complete control. She has decided that she is tired of me and doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. I enjoyed my time with her and I really don’t want to let her go. I can feel her slipping away though… All absorbed in trying to get rid of me. Hell I was always there for her. I never told her no!!! I am here for her 24 hours a day because like her, I don’t sleep. She needed me and I was there and now she is trying to leave me. Well damn it, I want to keep her. When she came to me she was lost!!! She was searching for something, anything to make her feel in control again. I gave her the adrenaline rush she craved. I gave her the rewards she thought she deserved…sometimes. But to keep her with me I had to be unpredictable. I hate that part of my relationship with her but I have to be that way or people like her won’t come back. I mean, she was loyal. Once we fell in love she was a faithful partner. She let me move into her mind and whenever I wanted to play, she met me at my house all hours of the day and night.

She was so tired when I found her, bored and concerned about what to do with the rest of her life. She was going through a tough time and needed me. I just knew she was ready to meet me. I am good at finding those that are vulnerable. Cristal was already prone to being compulsive about her work, her life, everything about her was what drew her to me. I come like a thief in the night during times when there is so much else going on that they don’t even notice me at first. In the beginning I am just something to do, pass the time you know? Keep idle hands and minds busy so they can relax for awhile. Cristal needed to relax. She had given up the narcotics work that was real important to her. She did it for all the right reasons but she did not want to let it go. She felt responsible for her family and knew that having her out of that line of work was better for them. Not to mention the job itself, well let’s just say Cristal was idealistic, she wasn’t saving the world like she thought she ought too. She felt lost because now she had nothing to hang on to. She was on the edge when I came along.

I was actually introduced to her by a friend at that crap place she worked in Austin.  After she left narcotics she went to work at a desk job. God she hated that place. The little cubical in a room full of people she didn’t understand, doing a job that made her feel ridiculous and wasted. She was so young but she felt so old. During one of her smoke breaks another one of my fans started talking about my house in Louisiana. She talked about how relaxing I was to be around and how I often would leave them a little richer than when they came to visit. Cristal was so ready to relax. The house in Louisiana seemed like just what the Doctor ordered. So within several weeks we got to meet for the first time.

I love seeing their faces when they first meet me. Oh I am attractive. I am lavishly attired; I am giving all the time. Food is plentiful and drinks flow and I never sleep. I can dance all night as long as you are willing to pay for it. I am gentle at first. I can be overwhelming and yet innocent too. Cristal and I danced all weekend long. She was so naïve she did not know that I would never forget her name. I would call to her often with notes and seductions to get her back. She was tough at first. She did not come back for a year. But when she came back she never left. I moved out of my house in Louisiana and moved right into Cristal’s mind. She was hooked.

Cristal and I started staying home more. She was still searching for the right direction in her life. That annoyed me about her. I tried to keep her from focusing too much on reality; I wanted to play and once I moved into her mind it was easy for her to be led to just about anywhere I wanted to go. I helped her to escape those thoughts and ideas that she couldn’t quite get formed in her head. She was grieving so I introduced her to a friend of mine, the internet. But as often as we could we went back to my home town. It was great. Cristal was so into our games that sometimes we would make several trips a week. The more money she spent the more she needed to win so she was easy to convince. Cristal was my constant companion for almost 9 years and now she is leaving me. She tried to leave me before but I think now she is really going to do it. She is seeing all these counselors, writing down her feelings, distancing herself from me, and she is taking this financial thing just a little too personally for my taste. It is just the cost of my friendship with her. I have thought I was pretty up front about that from the beginning but now all of a sudden she cares. I don’t have as much room in here as I used to because of all the other thoughts she has. She is beginning to tell the truth about us. It has always just been me and her and now she is telling people how she let me hurt her. It is nothing personal really, like I said just the cost of doing business. How she feels about our relationship is beginning to upset me. She is really angry at me and all I did was what she wanted me to do, help her escape. I gave her something to look forward to. Oh well, truthfully though…I don’t really care; there are so many Cristals out there. I guess I’ll go back to where I came from, where dreams come true.  hahahahahahahah

       Gripped by Gambling  

 

This book "hits like a ferocious summer monsoon storm as Lancelot's life spins off its axis and scatters like dry leaves. It's a tight and often painful read, written by a woman of courage and integrity."   James Bishop Jr., author of   Epitaph for a Desert Anarchist, life and legacy of Edward Abbey

 

If you have not read or seen my book, you may click on:  www.grippedbygambling.com and take a peek at the  information inside the cover.  The web-site contains a list of events I've experienced which qualify me to write such a book, an autobiography with some photos of special times in my life, and several reviews sent to me by readers. The book may be ordered from Amazon.com. by the title, author or Isbn # 978-1-58736-770-0. 

 

Marilyn Lancelot , AZ    mslancelot@cox.net  

                  

 . . . had many ah-hah moments

 

I want to take this opportunity to thank you for the Women Helping Women Newsletter. It has been so instrumental to my recovery. The GA program in Kansas City wasn't really built around the steps and recovery at the time when I was first looking for answers and help. I learned more about the steps and recovery and received more support and kindness from the network and the newsletters than any other source. I had many ah-hah moments and was able to grasp ideas that were not being presented to me elsewhere. Back in 2002, I was broke and over $70,000 in debt. I was struggling with depression, a sleeping disorder, physical and emotional exhaustion, and the list of negatives goes on and on. I relapsed a great deal in the beginning and carried blankets of shame. I had no friends, no hope and no joy. If you recall my e-mails from the early days, my life was a mess and it took a few years to deal with all the ramifications of my gambling.

 
In the past couple of years, I have really turned my life around. In 2005, I paid off the last of my credit card debts and quit smoking along with numerous other amends. In 2006, I paid off the remainder of my personal loans and got the title to my car back and even started a small savings account. I also had breast reduction surgery in May which is also now paid off. I started contributing to my 401K which I had wiped out and in just under 2 years, I've already contributed over $16,000. I am active in my church and volunteer in the church bookstore, I served as the coordinator for our annual blood drive, I'm the assistant director of the Women's group, served in a leadership capacity for our Back to School Backpack project and now I'm involved with our community Easter Basket outreach. I have a wonderful boyfriend and all my relationships are much healthier. I have been someone that many people have reached out to regarding their own or a loved ones gambling. I've been at my job for over 9 years now and in the past year, have regained the trust and respect that I lost while gambling and being financially creative to fund my addiction. I'm very spiritually healthy and blessed and I know that I would not be where I am today without the knowledge and support I received from Betty, Susan, Georgia, yourself and dozens of others.

I often think about how we gals love to watch makeover programs. Whether it's a beauty makeover, a room or home makeover or a physical makeover, we're always so inspired and delighted by the after picture. I see my life a lot that way. We all know how ugly our lives were before recovery and I feel it is very important to share our own after pictures to give hope and validation to all those who think their lives are over and nothing will ever be good again. I remember the despair and genuine belief that nothing was worth living for. Thankfully, I have always been a spiritual person although I was very spiritually unhealthy at that time. I always had that voice that told me that ending my life was very wrong and I didn't want to hurt others. I also reminded myself that perhaps the most wonderful event of my life was scheduled for next week, next year, etc. and I would miss that opportunity because I was unwilling to do what was necessary to face and recover from my addiction?

My recovery got off to a slow start and it was a real process for me. I remember the first ah-ha moment was when someone shared the Hole In The Sidewalk poem. I recall the first time I actually got the concept of progress not perfection or realized I had to identify and own those underlying problems that led to gambling. Something that was shared by one of the ladies on the network was the first time I realized that for me recovery was impossible without abstinence. I hadn't even heard the word recovery at my GA meetings. I thought it was all about setting up roadblocks to avoid gambling. I do believe this is very helpful but I learned first hand that addicts are very clever and it's very easy to get around a road block when driven by addiction. Once I started putting all of my energy into recovery instead of abstinence...changes started occurring.

I often sing a little song in my head changing a few of the words. Do you remember that song, I can see clearly now the rain is gone? I replace rain with gambling and you would be surprised how relevant that song is.....all obstacles seem to disappear! It's going to be a bright, bright, sun shiny day!
 

I'm looking forward to reading your book and I really appreciated your kind words.

Many blessings to you,
Terri Mc (Kansas City)

SHAME AND GUILT, THE ROOT OF RELAPSE

Often times we wonder why do people in recovery relapse. This is a very scary topic for the addict, compulsive gambler as well as the families to deal with. Most of the time, the addicted person has no clue why they relapsed if they have never been in treatment before. The reason being, the first time around they are clueless and, at times think that all they need to do is be compliant, “tell the counselor what they want to hear”, and everything will be alright. They don’t believe that they need to deal with the root of their addiction (family of origin issues as well as physical, verbal or sexual abuse and, guilt and shame). And, they are in denial about these issues. When these kind issues are presented to them usually their answer is “I had a great childhood”, and they really do believe that. Plus, there are rules in a dysfunctional family, “don’t talk, don’t feel and don’t trust” therefore, to talk, feel and trust could make them think that they are betraying their family. It takes a lot to get the client to realize that they’ve been wearing a noose around their neck for years, and if they don’t deal with the “noose”, it will eventually choke them to death.

For women, it’s three fold, the shame and guilt of what they’ve done or not done as a mother while in their addiction (neglecting their children, being away from home for long periods of time), what they’ve done or not done in order to get money (prostitution, illegal activities) and, what they’ve done or not done as a wife to continue in their addiction (going against their marital vows, allowing him to be the mother and father).

The good thing is that with help from a knowledgeable therapist or counselor there is hope and help for addicted women, but it has to be done slowly and carefully. And when these issues are addressed and the addicted woman realizes that she’s not being judged, that what’s happened to her is real and they are validated, they have a good chance of finally being able to look at the Beautiful Woman in the mirror.

Patricia Webber, Texas
 

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