If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple.

But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas.

~George Bernard Shaw~

.  .  . I lost all sense of myself.

I am a compulsive gambler and have been for over 25 years. I am the child of alcoholic parents and determined I would not become an addict. I was very cautious in my life not to pick up a drink or a drug. When I learned that I was a compulsive addict, that gambling was my drug of choice, I was shocked but at the same time relieved to know that this obsession, this sickness, had a name.

My gambling started with innocent nights of Bingo. I was a lucky player in the early days; I won the 'full card' often. I could hear the buzz around the hall about 'same winners' and it made me feel special, like God was watching out for me and bringing me more luck than other players. Whenever things were about to come crashing down, I would hit a jackpot and climb quickly out of the hole—just to do it all over again. My rock bottom had many trap doors and I kept spiraling out of control.

When I am in action nothing and no one matters more to me than placing the bet. I have no sense of values, morals or self-worth. When I would wake in the mornings I would ache if I thought I couldn't get to Lincoln Park or one of the casinos. My mind would race and my emotions would be all over the place. I connived and stole to get cash and get in action. All the way to Lincoln Park I would argue with myself ('just don't go') but I would find myself parking the car and walking through the doors. As soon as I would walk into the park I could feel my body relax, the tension gone. I stayed and played as long as the money lasted, or until the place closed.

 

Towards the end of my gambling, no amount of jackpot was big enough to make my heart race or get the 'juices' flowing. I came to regret winning because I knew the feelings of guilt and disgust that would overwhelm me when I put it all back into the machines. I attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings and would hear members speak about crossing the 'invisible line' into compulsive gambling. I don't remember when I crossed that line. I always thought that I controlled my gambling, but I know gambling controlled me; it had for a very long time.

When I gambled I lost all sense of myself.  As a middle aged mother, wife, daughter I stood before a judge and received a one year home confinement sentence and ten-year probation sentence.  I worked at a job for seventeen years for very trusting people.  During the last two years of employment I stole time and money.   The extent I was willing to go to place the bet!  I walked out of that courtroom in handcuffs.  In all honesty, this was probably the easier thing I had done in many years.   How I feel about myself today is better than I have in a long time.

With the tools of a twelve-step recovery program, I am learning to not escape and to live life on life's terms. Being in recovery is all about change. In order to change I have to look at where I have been, but keep my focus on where I am going. Every night for the rest of my life when my head hits the pillow I am a compulsive gambler, but today I am an addict able to make choices.
 
Denise R – Pawtucket RI

                         

Hulen’s Hope
 

This has been one NIGHTMARE of a journey. Two-and-a-half years ago, you (my addiction) and I started out on a journey! We had so much fun—it was so exciting to win those races and watch my horses come across the finish line. I was lucky then. I was up $1,200. WOW! I had never had an extra $1,200 in my life, so I kept on until I ran out of money.

SHIT! How did I do that? Well, my addiction and I kept on going, and all of a sudden I couldn’t stop. I was taking money from my husband’s and my savings and checking accounts hoping he wouldn’t see what I had done—lying. Well, you know what? He found out and I promised I would stop gambling.

For a while I did. But then you and I started gambling again, and I opened up credit cards in my name. First one, then another, and soon they were all maxed out! How can I pay for them? I’ll use some of my husband’s money, and the money he gives me to pay for my expensive medicine. I’ll pay it back when I win.

Oh my goodness, there is no money left in his account except for $25. How can that be? Now I even took some money from my sister’s account after she died! I can’t believe I did this either. What is the matter with me? How will I pay for my medicine and replace the money I borrowed from everyone?

Whew, I got a loan online. Thank goodness I can put money in the accounts and they won’t find out. I will make more money gambling, after I pay for my medicine and also pay back M. I’m SO SORRY! HOW COULD I DO THIS? Well, on and on. How could this happen to me? I can’t seem to stop…I keep telling myself I will, and then I go gamble again.

I can’t tell my family! My gambling addiction is ruining my life. I’m lying, stealing, and hiding all this from my family! I feel so much anger, shame, guilt and embarrassment. Nobody can find this out, but I know everyone will as soon as I can’t pay bills—I’m running out of time. I CAN”T STOP! At times I feel like I will have a stroke or heart attack! Maybe I should just commit suicide—I could swallow a bunch of pills. But what if it doesn’t work? And then I’d wake up and everyone would still know! Maybe I’ll just run away, but I don’t have that much money on my own—I’d have to go somewhere that has a casino so I could at least earn more money to live on.

Boom, the world has collapsed on me in my very depths of despair. My family found out and I’m being sent to Scottsdale for gambling treatment. I desperately want help, but I don’t want to leave my husband and I am very scared! Again, I ask my self “how did this happen to me?” I’m 67 ½, and I’m old! This doesn’t happen to old ladies like me. Why did it happen to me? Gambling, I’m going to beat you. I don’t want to be your friend any more! I’m learning to get rid of you. I hope for good.

Signed: T


And now, a letter to the readers of Women Helping Women;

 

YA! I’m at Hulen’s Hope Recovery Center getting help and I’m going to GA meetings. Guess what? My family has embraced me with more love then you could ever imagine, so there!! I’m learning why gambling had its grips in me…why I couldn’t stop! Yes, I’m ill, but gambling won’t defeat me. No you won’t! How? Well I’m learning all these wonderful ways and about tools I can use to get rid of you. I don’t want to gamble anymore!

I’m finding out I’m not the scumbag that I was becoming. You want to know some of the tools I’ve learned to get rid of you? All right, I’ll tell you.

1. I’m staring to love and forgive myself. Ya, I am.
2. I’m starting to let go of some of the shame and guilt—not completely, but am working on it.
3. I’m learning to meditate and get my serenity back. How cool is that?
4. I’m strong. I’m saying “no” to gambling. I don’t like you any more.
5. I’m starting to pay back the money I owe. I can do this. Jerry and my family are supporting me. YES, THEY ARE!
6. I’m learning to ask for help and not be afraid to do so.
7. I’m learning how to face my past.
8. I’m facing those that I hurt. It will be hard, but I know they love me, just as I love them. I know I can’t change what I did, just ask them for forgiveness.
9. I have the strength now to call people, family or friends for help if I need it.
10. I plan to lose some weight and exercise.
11. I’m getting back those positive things about me that I thought I had lost. And guess what? I still have them.
12. I’ll be open. I am reliable! You know that? Yes I am!
13. I don’t have to hide from all those I love and care about. I WON”T LET YOU IN AGAIN!
14. I’ll be honest and pat myself on the back for every day I don’t gamble.

I’m a good person. Yes sirrie! I am. I have more tools  and I’m going to use them all. And to my addiction, you may try to trip me up, but I’m not afraid to fight you anymore. I’m stepping forward and I'm not afraid to do so. I can do this, “ONE-DAY AT A TIME.”

Love and Hugs,
T  From  MT

    

 

A person I want to become. 

 

 I am a gambling addict. I am numb. No money left this week because I talked myself into believing, once again, that I wouldn't lose today. I'd be ahead. Have extra money for bills. Get ahead on other bills and convincing myself that I could stop when I won.

Left the casino with less than a dollar in change. Now I have to explain to my family where my money had gone. Creative liars. It is what we all become when we become hooked. We lie to ourselves the most.

There is a life that I want to live. A person I want to become. I'd like to see actual stuff for all the money I spend, gifts for others, food, new clothes, furniture...etc. Help the hungry or hurting...people or animals. Would like to be a person my family would be proud of, instead of the suspicious looks when I no longer have money. They know why. Would love to look in my own face again and not see a stranger looking back.

Need hope. Need tools to strengthen me. Need to be consistant in my desire to be free of this money-grabbing-monkey on my back, in my head, destroying my bank account and my common sense. Need to get to the point where excuses are not an option, but action...daily/weekly is. Support for a non-gambling life that is.

I have a list of GA meetings in my car and one at home. Lots of good intentions of attending the meetings. Looking at them I think of which meetings I will try. See if they fit into my schedule. Been to a few. It is a weird feeling. Knowing your weak enough to need a group in the first place. Once you hear others stories you know you belong. Even if you’re not comfortable with that revelation, there is HOPE there and people who understand the intense pull that gambling has on your mind. I don't get that from anyone in my family. How do I explain to others that I have "meetings" to attend when they would like to go out with me. Who do we tell in our circle of friends and family about our addiction?

I have recently read several books on gambling from the library. Some better than others. Some parts actually trigger excitement at the thought of gambling. I do want to quit...most days. I want to stop the financial bleeding. Hard to admit that I would need help all my life. Meetings forever. Sounds like a life sentence. Couldn't I just get a good, swift knock to the head to knock it out of my mind? Compared to what many others have been through with this addiction, I am okay.

I have lost over a years worth of wages...along with my immediate families trust. Hanging onto this addiction limits other areas of my life. Can't seem to move on til I....Move On! Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I will keep reading your newsletter and checking out the "links" you provide.

PS...I searched for a blog site where I could just ramble on like above. There didn't seem to be a "fit" for me. Don't know if it is appropriate to continue to expound to you all the time. I do appreciate the opportunity though. If you choose to publish this.. it is okay with me. It just feels so good to let some of these thoughts out. Wish I would have emptied some feelings before driving to the casino.

Just call me anonymous from Arizona.
 

 
 
A letter for You

Marilyn said she needed an article for this month. Must be good timing because I have nagging issues on my mind. Do you? I “stopped” gambling a few years ago. I say “stopped” because I really haven’t. Have you?

I have been going to meetings for a few years. I am honest about everything. Except the fact I haven’t stopped. No one knows. Guess I am not really being honest. Are you?
I think the longest I have been clean is between 90-120 days. How many for you? I always thought I was in recovery versus abstinence. Now I know I am just in abstinence. Where are you?

Everything GA taught me would happen, did happen. After being clean for awhile I went on a six-month binge. A great lawyer kept me out of jail for writing over 15 thousand dollars in bad checks. Another friend gave me 12 thousand to help me out. Thank goodness she didn’t understand the concept of “bail outs.” (Not serious there)

I am so sad, lonely and isolated and I didn’t know how to stop gambling. Do you?

I tried the meetings for so long and gave it ninety days. I did. I couldn’t relate to the people in the meetings. Yes, we all have the same story. But my story is my story. Whenever I would go to meetings and talk and talk and talk about gambling I would have more urges to gamble afterwards. When I stay away from meetings I don’t think about gambling. That’s what I have been telling myself. Realizing it is not working.

The people in my group were not helpful. And I am being honest here when I tell you I tried. One person slept with me. For that I will never go back to that meeting. I tried to go to a different meeting. So much for the anonymity in GA. Members told that person I went to the other meeting.

Here it is Labor Day weekend. I have no plans and friends are occupied with their lives. I want to get in my car and goooooooooooooooooooo. Do you? I can’t decide which is worse. The time I spend waiting and wishing to go. Talking myself into it then out of it then into it. Gambling usually wins. There have been times I beat the demon and didn’t go. I took it One Day at a Time. I never felt better the next day. I thought I would be happy, proud of myself that I didn’t go. But I never am. Just sad.

Or is the feeling worse when I give in, go, lose my money and drive home pounding the steering wheel. You’ve pounded the wheel, haven’t you? If you use some of the same excuses I make, you may be correct. But I do want to stop gambling. I want to stop having the urges. I want to feel better when I handle it One Day at a Time. Do you? It could be any one of us. Is it you?

Anonymous from California
 

 

 Gripped by Gambling  (The book is now available in the Kindle edition)

 

One weekend when Tommie and I drove to Laughlin, we ran into a heavy rainstorm.  It poured so hard, the windshield wipers couldn’t keep the windshield clear. When we reached Parker, which was the halfway point between Yuma and Laughlin, we saw signs posted in the road, "DETOUR - ROAD WASHED OUT DUE TO HEAVY FLOODING."  Tommie turned to me and said, "What do you want to do, Babe?  Shall we turn around?" 
 
Without skipping a beat, I blurted, "Heck no, we're almost there, why should we turn back now."   So after two extra hours of treacherous driving through detours and flooded areas, the car literally slid into the parking lot of the Colorado Belle at exactly 2:03p.m.   At 2:04, I opened the car door, grabbed one suitcase, turned to Tommie and said, “I’ll meet you inside.”  I splashed through the lake in the parking lot and dashed up the casino steps.  Time was critical.  Each minute wasted meant a minute lost at the machines.

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