- REVEALING FRENZY
- Midway through my active gambling addiction, I had to go to Las Vegas for a convention. At that point, I was a ‘problem gambler,’ but not yet the full blown addict I would become.
- I was going to be with everybody I worked with—nearly everybody in the industry, including the head honchos from the corporate office. I was determined not to gamble because I knew if anyone saw me ‘in action,’ it would have a negative affect on my reputation.
I only took $30 with me—enough for a drink, cigarettes—just walking around money. The way I used to gamble, $30 wouldn't even last me 6 minutes at the card tables, so I figured I was safe.
When we arrived at the hotel, there was a long line to check in. I waited and waited with some of the ladies I was traveling with, but then my impatience kicked in. I decided to spend just $10 and buy a roll of quarters; I had one of my co-workers hold my place in line.
I walked over to a video poker machine and played about $5 and won $500. Now I had serious gambling money. One of the women I worked with told me that I could check in now. I brushed her off.
She wanted to borrow some money so she could play, and I gave it to her. I played all night, won another $500 and at 7 a.m., I ran upstairs to take a shower and go to my meeting. I now had a little over a thousand dollars. I sat in the meeting all day and could not focus on anything other than gambling.
As soon as the meeting let out, I headed back to the casino. Word was really spreading about my winnings, and a lot of my co-workers were coming out of the woodwork to borrow money.
I had to have dinner that night with my boss and a big group of people; then we were supposed to go to a show. I couldn't enjoy any of it. All I wanted to do was get back to gambling. My boss asked me how much cash I had and told me to give it to her to hold; she said she would give it back to me on the plane. I refused.
At my high point I had over 1200 dollars. She really insisted I hand it over to her and I completely refused. The bottom line is that I never went to bed once in 3 solid days and nights ... not once. By the time I got back on the plane I had under 200 dollars, NO ONE ever paid me back, and my reputation? Most definitely affected!
- Every single important person in the industry saw me in the midst of a gambling frenzy. That was about 8 years ago and to this day, people think of me as ‘the gambler.’ Was it worth the slight ‘gain’ I came home with? Definitely not.
- LeCor C., Washington State
KNOCK! KNOCK!
My life became a horror story shortly after moving to Las Vegas, Nevada. I remember frequenting the different casino’s on and off the strip, laughing and joking around with others who were gambling.
My son who had just turned 21 years of age was a good boy, had a great job and a new car. Then in the fall of 1991, September 20th to be precise I was awakened 3:15 a.m. by a KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!, on my front door. There were two police officer’s with another man not in uniform. They came into our home and after answering some questions I got the shock of my life. A mother’s worst nightmare.
The police officer said, "Your son had been involved in an altercation and he didn’t make it." My legs turned to jelly and I fell to the floor. I found out from the coroner, who was the third person, that my son had been stabbed to death by an assailant who had just been released from prison early because of good behavior.
A mother never expects to bury any of her children. It’s supposed to be the other way around. I grieved for my son for a long time and I didn’t want to deal with his death. I ignored my family and friends and began to spend more and more time in the casinos. I cried when I won and I cried when I lost. I was on the road to ruining my life and everyone dear to me. My husband became my foe. My grieving slowly turned to an addiction.
When the money ran out I began writing checks that I had difficulty covering. I used every excuse to finance my addiction. I became an excellent liar. I pawned my jewelry and finally lost it all except for one ring. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. I did everything but sell my body for money. I’ve always said, "I never stole money from anyone," but, you know what? I stole from me and everyone around me, especially my husband. It’s a miracle he’s still with me. I was fortunate that my husband realized I was not the person he married. I had become a stranger.
I rarely saw my daughter, my only other child, who had started her own family. My first grandchild was almost three months old before I saw her because all my time and money went to the casinos.
It took me ten horrible years to finally realize that if I continued this charade I would be dead. I had almost succeeded at suicide. After much passing of time, the gambling finally took its toll and in desperation, I finally admitted I needed help.
On August 19th 2002 my world of gambling crumbled and I hit my bottom. Feeling humiliated, devastated, guilty and ashamed I finally realized that I was licked, my gambling days were over.
- I attended my first GA meeting on August 23rd, 2002. I went to four meetings in one week and cried at every one of them. GA has saved my life and given me a new beginning. I now make at least one meeting a week. I have a sponsor and I’m working my steps. Most importantly, I HAVE NOT GAMBLED. The program works, if you truly want it. So work it because your worth it. I’m looking forward to celebrating my second birthday in August of 2004.
- Rose N - Arizona
EMPOWERMENT
Recently in my work with women problem gamblers, I have noticed myself questioning whether or not the Serenity prayer means something different to women from what it may mean to men. This may sound like a statement that makes no sense, but it seems that lately it occupies my thoughts.
I have had women clients talk about focusing on what they can control, themselves, but often underestimating what this means. For instance, if a woman feels completely powerless about most everything in her life, is this fact or is this something that has become culturally ingrained? Has she learned over the years to see herself as powerless and unable to affect her environment in any significant way, other than the traditional role of helping and nurturing, or has she been given a sense of "I can do this"? And how, as a therapist, does one help a client really concentrate on the things she can control, while still pushing her to define the limits of this?
Women seem much more willing in general to accept things as they are and are often seen as "passive" because of this trait. Material from the most recent National Conference on Problem Gambling, which focused on women problem gamblers, pointed out one of the differences between work with male and female clients: one needs humbling; the other empowerment.* Guess which is which? And, when a woman does need to be empowered, how does she understand this? She may ask herself, "Is this therapist asking me to go against the Serenity prayer and focus on things that I cannot change?" Women clients may feel defeated and hopeless about this, or they might feel challenged, but how is the therapist to know?
Changing focus for a moment and applying this to family members of problem gamblers, an interesting thing occurs. When the gambler is a woman or when the family member is a woman, these issues are very similar. Women family members, especially spouses, may feel frightened to take too much control, unsure about whether they even want to do this, and lacking in confidence as to whether, once they have more financial control, they will be able to manage what they have asked for. The issue re-emerges: how to empower the client who is a woman family member to understand at a different level what she does and does not have control over; how to help her not give up too soon but also not try to change what she cannot.
On its surface, then, the Serenity prayer seems straightforward. But perhaps, like many other things, on closer examination it becomes much more complicated. For the therapist, the goal and the responsibility are to affect change; for the client, the goal is often to accept many things in her life that cannot be changed. How therapist and client work together on the interface of these two ideas is the opportunity and the challenge for both. Working together to reach the interface is possible, and, when it happens, it’s rewarding as h___!!!
*Arizona Council on Compulsive Gambling, Inc., "Different Types of Gamblers", November 2003.
Mary Lou Costanzo, LCSW, NCGC
Problem Gambling Services
860-262-5984