“Don’t Test or Tempt Yourself”

It truly does not matter how far away from the bet you are, whether you have days or years; there are still going to be tests and temptations to your recovery. I have lived in the Las Vegas area for over 18 years, of which almost 10 years have been spent in recovery. I consider myself to be blessed to live in an area where we have many meetings per week and a great fellowship of other recovering compulsive gamblers. Years ago, I followed the advice of those who came before me and did as they suggested: 90 meetings in 90 days (I did over 120), get a sponsor, work the Steps, get involved (and stay involved), follow the suggestions on page 17 of the Combo book, and stick with the winners. I did all of these things and still continue to make three-four meetings a week, give service, use my sponsor; and yet, I still get faced with tests and temptations to my program.

I work in a predominantly male-populated environment, which means that there are football pools, fantasy football/baseball leagues, constant challenges to take a bet to resolve an argument, and so much more. Each year at Christmas, the company also draws random employee names for prizes, as well as door prizes at the employee Christmas party. In addition, my company frequently conducts raffles to raise money for employees facing long-term disabilities or emergencies or just raising funds for the Culture Committee. Our GA literature discusses and suggests that we do not participate in any contests, whether for money or not, not even flipping a coin for a cup of coffee. How do I handle all of these challenges without giving up my anonymity?

As we go through our normal day, we are continually challenged with tests. There might be the cashier at the store who says innocently to you, “Be sure to go online and complete the survey and you could WIN a gift card for $500.” What about that gift card from my favorite store? (I could buy things I really need or finally be able to fix up my house.) Or, your church is having a raffle to raise money to fix the roof. Or your neighbor invites you to a gathering and they decide to play a little ‘fun’ poker game with chips, no money. These are all innocent-sounding scenarios, but for a compulsive gambler, they are TESTS to our recovery. Hmmm, would these really be gambling if I’m not wagering any money??

Yes, it would still be wagering according to the definition of gambling as described on page 14 of our Combo book. As for how I choose to handle those scenarios regarding raffles (for a good cause), I donate the money for the raffle and if pressed to put my name on the ticket, I will put the beneficiary’s name instead. I feel good for participating, but am not compromising my recovery. As for pools and fantasy leagues, I just choose to not participate. If pressed to bet to settle an argument, I let the other person know that I do not gamble on ANYTHING. I choose not to participate in the online surveys because I do not want to be put in a drawing of any kind to win a gift card. And finally, with regard to winning a prize that I have not ‘actively’ participated but by virtue of being an employee I win a prize, I can choose to accept the prize (and then donate it to a cause) or defer.

Karen, Las Vegas
 

 

. . . if I were still gambling, I would be dead.         

 
Arnie Wexler got me in touch with you on Memorial Day 2011. My last bet was on May 27, 2011. I am seven months from a bet. I have been able to say, “I am a compulsive gambler from the beginning and answering yes to all 20 questions. However, I had a problem with the word addict.

My daughter, who was a registered nurse, died on November 2, 2011. I was on my way home from a meeting in Westboro, Mass., when I got the news. My sponsor/best friend and another very good friend were with me. They went to the emergency room, viewed her body with me and came to my house and gave support to my grand-daughter, after I told her what happened. She was shaking and crying for hours. My friends stayed almost all night and returned in the morning. That day was my sponsors’ anniversary and she cancelled the day and spent the next days with my family. She went to the funeral home with us to make the arrangements.

My daughter died of a heroin overdose. I had no clue she had a problem. The word addiction is a strong word. It killed my daughter and when I entered the doors of GA I was trying to figure out how I could make a gun shoot twice. I wanted to be sure I would die because I had no control over gambling. I could not fight it any longer.

Where else could I have found these kinds of friends. GA is my life and I try to walk the talk. I work the steps and surround myself with winners. The difference between my daughter and myself was the 12 steps of recovery and who we surround ourselves with.

There is no doubt in my mind that if I were still gambling, I would be dead. Thank you Marilyn for being there for me when I needed you. My mission is to be there for anyone who has their hand out for help. The GA program always works if you really want it to. That’s my opinion.

If I were gambling when my daughter died I am positive I would have gambled until I had no choice but to kill myself. I truly thank you for taking the time to help me get to my first meeting. It was exactly what I needed. I was on my knees, utter defeat. I am doing AWOL, an intensive step study and I love it. I will be in Scottsdale next June, for my daughters graduation from Southwest College of Naturopathic Medicine with the title of Doctor. So proud of her as I was my other daughter who graduated in 2009 as a registered nurse. I guess she hung around with people who dragged her down and she made bad choices.
 

Sincerely,

Donna, Rhode Isand

 

 

  Dear Former Love of My Life:

I remember when I first met you in Las Vegas. Boy were you smooth. I was like a kid in Disney Land. You let me win and win and win. You kept me up all night and all the next day dropping coins in a slut machine like I had a piece of Fort Knox. I loved the lights, the clanging of the coins dropping in the metal trays, and you know that you had me when I hit those jackpots. You made me feel like the big shot. You let me show off to my Mother trying to please her by giving her money. Oh, what a feeling!

That was before you descended on Kansas City. WOW, I couldn’t believe you were here because I voted against your ass, hoping that I would never see myself being robbed of my dignity, sleep and my hard earned money. But you made me believe that the money didn’t matter…just that high I craved every time we connected.

Then bam! You drove me to get five credit cards. And puff…they were useless…wiped out and maxed past their limits in less than six months. But you said no problem. You even had me walk into a pawn shop with cameras all over. You had me stoop so low to get that money for those crack machines. I pawned my stereo speakers that I paid good money for to never be seen again!

But wait, that wasn’t enough. I became desperate. You took me right up to the cardholders counter and showed me how to write those hot checks. You are really cunning and baffling. You had me by the short hairs! Those checks are still out there and I cannot write checks now because of you.

But wait, there’s more because you were needy, greedy, and selfish. I was so mesmerized by you that I failed to attend family gatherings, overstayed my visits, slept in my car just so I could go back into casino without making a trip home. I wanted to hide because you would let me forget the hour of the day, my dysfuctioning family and most of all how little I really thought of myself.

But wait. Do you remember when I cursed you and your partners in crime when you robbed me of those many progressive jackpots. Once you had me in tears. But I hadn’t had enough of you…it was never enough. I let you kick my butt repeatedly. I was the wayward child that ignored all the signs that I was headed for self destruction. And you certainly didn’t care. You let me embrace you and I loved you like none other.

But wait. You had me thinking I was jinxed at Harrahs so what did I do…I banned myself. That didn’t cure me because I found the other casinos…they welcomed me with open arms and there you were all saddled up ready for the ride.

But wait you SOB! You didn’t care that I had ascended to the bench to serve as a judge. You didn’t care that I had lawyer friends that helped feed you. You didn’t care that I became the topic of hushed closed door discussions and threats. You didn’t care because you loved the ride. You knew that deep inside of me I was in pain and you covered it and coated it and buried it deep inside, such that I became numb. Numb to the point that I couldn’t control what I did to get money to feed you. You remember when you had me year after year fail to disclose loans from my lawyer friends. You had me lying on official documents and reports.

But wait, you recall that time you had me return to the casino after pulling an all-nighter just in time to be nagged in a raid by law enforcement. I wanted to dig a hole and die. So what, you cared less. Got me in the KC Star Newspaper…you hung me out there. That’s when I discovered those other god-forsaken casinos because you wouldn’t give up. You had me on the highway at all hours of the night in inclement weather risking life and limb. You had me ignore my responsibilities like family and my health. You made me sicker than I could ever imagine but you duped me into thinking I was okay.

But wait…you are evil you. After robbing me of all this you landed me in jail because I adored you to the utmost. I let go of my Higher Power. It’s your fault that I had to plead guilty to mail fraud and serve 22 months in prison. It was you that caused me to lose my position, my good name, respect and reputation. It was you that got me diagnosed with obsessive, compulsive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, depression and anxiety. It was you that caused so much stress that I became wheel-chair bound suffering from arthritis. It was you that robbed me of my friends. It was you that caused the horrific pain and mourning of my family and loved ones.

But wait…you were like a sponge…you had to swallow me up like a starving whale because it was you that led to the breakup of the love of my life. You promised that you could lead me to prison, insanity, or death. I know you are mad because I lived…because it was my higher power that led me to my sisters and brothers who love me and accept me…it was my higher power and courage that made me confront the truth of the disease to myself and those who have embraced me in recovery. It was my higher power that led me to friends who supported me during my incarceration. It was and is my higher power that sustains me and I am grateful that I am alive and want to be an instrument and inspiration for those whom you seek to destroy…I know that you won’t give up but my Higher Power has not given up on me.

Debra from Kansas

Scared to death . . .

I want you to know that I have been secretly gambling at casinos for about 18 months. My husband recently found out, as he was questioning withdrawals from our joint account. I had no idea
until reading up on the GA site and your Women Helping Women newsletter, that so very many women have this problem as well! Until seeking out such information, I have been feeling awfully isolated, depressed, self-loathing, and deceitful to my husband and others. We are not even struggling financially (at least not at this point!); so I can definitely relate to articles and comments about the thrill of gambling. It's not going to be a very Merry Christmas, as my husband is too upset to celebrate the holidays - all because of my addiction! I am 57 years old, and I honestly never expected to be here right now writing this! I have committed to myself and my husband to seek out help, starting with a GA meeting next week.

 

Fortunately, my husband has promised to stand by and support me if I follow through with my plans to seek immediate help. I feel greatly fortunate for that, but am full of terrible, terrible shame at the same time! I probably squandered about $15,000 in that year and a half. When I think, gee I could have donated that to a worthy charitable cause and helped those who really needed it! I might as well have stayed home and flushed all the $$ down the toilet! What was I thinking??!! Right now, I am in a grieving-type state, as I feel that I have lost the "good" part of me inside. But your comments and those of others offer me some hope, which I am desperately seeking for a glimmer of. I know it won't be easy, but I need to do this for me, my family and friends. I know I can't go one like this anymore. I look forward to staying connected with your internet community, and also getting your books. Thank you for that and for reaching out to so many who are struggling!!

I found a closed Wednesday meeting about 30 miles away in Racine, WI - so I anxiously plan on attending next week. Thank you for inquiring. I've seen some of the newsletters on the Women Helping Women site. It's amazing how I really don't feel alone anymore when I read yours and all the other courageous women's stories and struggles to make their lives whole again. In the October 2011 issue I did relate to Dawn's article "I lost all sense of myself". She came from a family of alcoholic parents, as was my dearly departed Father. What a great site to motivate me to come to terms with my addiction with gambling. I'm very inspired! And yes Marilyn, you are quite welcome to use my email in one of your issues. It's a good way to "pay it forward" so to speak, as I feel you have already been so helpful in getting me started and in the right frame of mind to begin my journey to recovery. Not to say I think it will be fast and easy, as I realize I have miles to go before I sleep!

Sincerely,

Karen from Wisconsin
 

 

 

Gripped by Gambling  (The book is now available in the Kindle edition)

 

After the first year, I didn't care if I won or lost; I just wanted to gamble.  I was having fun and gambling relaxed me.  Besides it was my money and I deserved a little break.  I worked hard all week and I wasn’t hurting anyone.  No one asked me for excuses but I always offered them.

Tommie and I had a regular routine and always stopped to buy lottery tickets and snacks in Quartzite, a small town about 30 miles outside of Yuma.  Our next stop was Needles, 10 miles outside of Laughlin, where we’d fill the car with gas, use the restroom and rush through the store picking up snacks.  I always bought the most recent copy of my horoscope to see if this would be my lucky weekend and then "on the road again."

Each weekend I watched the other gamblers and thought that there must be a secret on how to beat these machines, because pulling the handle three times in a row and then pressing the button three times seemed pretty lucky . . . . and it made sense.  I thought.  I tried counting to ten between dropping the coins and then counting to ten before pulling the handle.  Sometimes I held my breath and sometimes I closed my eyes.  Or I’d play only the corner machines and then switch to the ones in the middle of the rows.  None of the systems worked all of the time.  But they all worked some of the times.  I just picked the wrong system most of the times.

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