My husband still has a business in Canada so he flew
back and forth a lot. I would gamble at the casinos in Yuma in the
middle of the night once he left town. You can imagine the credit card
bills I have, especially converting Canadian money to American funds.
The last three years have been completely out of control. I won't be in
Yuma by myself for a long time. I gave my husband my credit cards
yesterday and we will cancel my line of credit once it has been paid
off. I am going to the bank today to restrict access to the last of the
funds on the line.
I worked for a large oil and gas company up until last year when I
actually quit. I made very good money! I thought if I quit work and
didn't have access to so much money I would stop gambling. Wrong!! I did
it anyway and got in even more financial trouble each time I went to the
casino. My life's work has been in the Human Resources field, can you
believe that! I coached senior leaders, how to hire, how to build
effective teams and how to terminate poor performers with dignity. I
helped everyone else except myself.
Some of you have mentioned to me that this is a pretty typical
part of a compulsive gamblers profile. Interesting!! I am learning
to take each day, One Day at a Time. I still feel really ashamed but
the tightness in my chest isn't as bad as yesterday. You ladies have
made me see that this journey is going to be so worth it. I slept
last night for the first time in a long time. I know I'm going to
have lots of bad days and I am so thankful you are there!
Have a great day everyone. It's snowing here is Canada right now.
Big snow flakes. It actually looks really pretty. I am content to
just stay in my house. Hope you have a great day!
Carol
- PLEASE READ: I wish to thank the readers who have so generously contributed donations this past month, to help keep the Women Helping Women Newsletter available on the Internet.
- CHAT ROOM: If anyone is interested in entering the chat room to share some therapy or talk to other female gamblers, please check out the room when you have time and make arrangements with anyone in there to meet on a certain day at a definite time. It seems like we're having a problem coordinating times for chats. You can list a time, that's good for you, on the 'guestbook remarks' and we'll join you.
- SOMETHING NEW: I have been working on a book about female gamblers for the past 15 years. I sent it to the publisher last Monday and it should be available for sale in three to six months. I'm really excited about this book and hope it will help the gambler who is struggling in their recovery or to anyone who needs something to read about compulsive gambling. This is not a book written by a counselor or a psychiatrist nor does it contain statistics. It's written by a gambler who found recovery and turned her life around. It is is my story.
- Marilyn Lancelot
Acceptance of our weakness is our first step to recovery
-
I retired from the military about a year ago and with the experience I had
I should have had employers waiting in line to hire me. My resume is
actually well written and although I sent it to many companies I received
few responses. That is just one of the effects of living the past 12 years
in the vicious circle of compulsive gambling. You think that you have done
a good job of covering your tracks so that those closest to you do not
know about your addiction. Sure you missed some payments but eventually
caught them up.
Being in a world that outside of work you thought of nothing but your next trip to the casino leaves you naive to what is going on around you. You never think of the total effect that gambling has on your life. All you know is that you want one big win. The truth is you spend more trying to get that one big win than the big win will be when it eventually comes. You get in the car to go to your current choice of gambling establishments with good intentions, you will keep it reasonable and suck up your losses after you get to your monetary limitations but somewhere in between, you are not ready to quit yet and then get to the point where you spent more than you could afford and then have to start thinking about who you are not going to pay this month. The long range result never crosses your mind.
Until one day you try to get a decent paying job or apply for credit. Then it all hits you at one time. You have to figure out how to survive while making less than your skills deserve as potential employers see you as unreliable because you cannot pay your bills. Sure you can think the thoughts about life not really being worth it or you can take control. About a year ago I decided to take control of my life and accept the fact that I am a compulsive gambler. That is when I found this wonderful network. It was truly wonderful to find out that I was not alone in my abyss. Others had the same problem that I had and were willing to share their thoughts, feelings and experiences. For me that was step one, realizing that I had a problem and that there were others out there. It has been a trying year as just when I think I have this thing beat at my weakest moments it reaches up to slap me in the head, blind sides me at times. I have relapsed three times during this past year and fortunately the support I get in receiving e-mails from members of this network I have been able to begin one day at a time immediately after the gambling episode. I thank all of my sisters out there for that. -
Last week it felt so good to drive out of the dealership with my new car for which I had been granted credit, I consider it my reward for my self realization. Every time I open the car door I feel great. I know this is a monetary possession but to me it represents an improvement. I check my credit report frequently and while it is still not where I want it to be I continue to see improvements. These improvements are a direct result of me taking charge. I realize that while I make it sound easy it has not been so. I have caught myself feeling the urge to go play a little but I have found the inner strength to realize that is something I cannot do. During my last trip to the Casino I did leave all ATM and credit cards at home. Left with forty-five dollars in my pocket and told myself I would spend twenty and leave. I spent the entire amount and felt remorseful about that and I owe that to this network.
I still do not have the job I want but I do believe that if I continue to live a gambling free life that also will come. To think a year ago I was so down in spirits that I did not see any way out. My message to all is that no matter how deep you believe the hole to be, accepting that we cannot gamble is the first step to filling it in and one year later I feel better about myself.
Good luck to all on their path to recovery and use the support system that is there. Acceptance of our weakness is our first step to recovery.
God bless, - Angela
- LOVING KINDNESS, SERENITY AND THE 12 STEPS —
- Second part of a two-part article.
- Lori Rugle, Ph.D
As I continue to focus on the root of happiness and suffering for myself and others, I begin to see more clearly that there is something beyond my limited ego that I can begin to tap into. I can acknowledge that I am not a separate ego – that my happiness and suffering are not unique or disconnected from those of all beings. I can begin to surrender the notion that my happiness and the source of my happiness depends on my egocentric efforts, on my will (or willfulness), on the effort of my separate and limited thinking. This opens my mind and heart to an awareness that the root of my happiness lies in appreciating and seeing more deeply into my true nature, my interconnection with all beings and with a larger, deeper reality. As I begin to accept that there is a source greater than myself, I can aspire to experience the root of happiness and acknowledge the root of suffering that lies in my ego based attempts to willfully cling to pleasure and avert pain (whether through gambling, food, sex, work, drugs, exercise, meditation, etc). This is what Step Two teaches, coming to believe that there is something greater than my limited sense of self that I can connect with that will restore me.
As I practice loving kindness meditation, I begin to realize that there is a source beyond my limited awareness, deeper than my personal perception and experience. As I open my heart to the happiness and the freedom from suffering of all beings; my loved ones, my friends, my family, my teachers, strangers and my enemies – I realize that the root of happiness is not just within me, but is a source greater than myself. I can aspire to become more and more open to this source and to recognize more clearly and deeply that my happiness and suffering are interconnected with that of all others. It is only my will and my ego that perpetuate the illusion of separation and duality. There can be no happiness in isolation and disconnection and there is no suffering that does not pierce my heart no matter how I may try to armor it through addictions.
The fellowship found in GA and other 12 Step programs provides the interconnection to begin to bear the enormity of life’s suffering and to begin to experience the root of happiness. As I let go of my ego or sense of disconnected self, I can start to acknowledge that my pain is not unique nor is my joy. I can share both with my fellows and in so doing create the foundation for acceptance and serenity.
The paradox that loving kindness meditation brings me right up against is that in asking to be free of suffering, I must embrace and open my heart to the pain in my life and the pain of all others. This is why the image for compassion is often referred to as "great heart" or "wounded heart." In the steps as I make a searching and fearless inventory and begin to make amends, I am allowing myself to feel the pain in my own heart and in the hearts of those I have harmed. I am foregoing the anesthesia of my addiction and allowing my connection to the fellowship, my inter-being with others, sustain me as I strengthen my heart and my compassion.
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