. . . put it all back, trying to recreate the moment

(This is the second part of a two-part article submitted by a 26 year old gal from the east coast, describing the rapid descent into compulsive gambling.)

I started back up at casinos probably because I was upset about this relationship and didn't know how to proceed, or say no to an alcoholic partner. I didn't know how to make myself better so that I could attract the kind of partner who wouldn't be an addict. I have always had body image issues, and have felt like anyone who accepts me physically, without complaint, gets an automatic shoo-in.

Last November, I went to an enormous casino with this boyfriend and a family member and won $1,200 or so. I felt so important - I was the only one who had won anything. I was smart. I did it. The next night I went to a different casino alone, and lost $4,000 in a 20-hour binge. This was my biggest loss - usually my losses ranged from $500-$1,600 at a time. The next day I had to cancel plans to take my first trip to Europe, because I had no available funds on my credit cards. I had just spent all of that money in one day, in a windowless room. 

I often had days with two hours of sleep the night before, struggling to stay cogent with my work. I completely abused my body, mind, car, neglected my cats, chores - everything. I'd have these sprees of "make  up" after being out late, where I'd power through everything I needed to do. The speed of that was its own kind of mania, making me believe I could handle it, and that gambling was a kind of fuel - an expensive fuel.

I further rationalized it as "gambling gets me in touch with my feelings". I'd often cry on the way home, calling my mother and crying, or just crying and talking to myself. These were the feelings I needed to be experiencing, and the only way to get the feelings out was to do something expensive and horrible and selfish - nothing else could extract them.  I struggled with gambling through last winter, on and off. My relationship developed into something love-based, and I started to view it as a source of comfort and joy. I made a new year's resolution to never return.  Wrong!

I started up again mid-January, small bids, usually leaving a winner, up a few hundred. And then the day where I went not once but twice to a casino an hour away, chasing losses that by some virtue I got back.  I found new excuses  - 'just needing to get away', 'work is so overwhelming', - it seemed like just about anything could trigger me to drive an hour away to blow money. I spiraled back into my habits.

This spring, I visited my aunt and we agreed to visit the huge Connecticut casino again in spite of me confiding in her about how awful I felt, how my credit card debt mounted from 20K, to 30K, to 50K, and then to 65K - in one short year. We went anyway. That was Easter. I won $5,000 while in a bad mood - a small bet on a machine that "could have" paid me out more had I just been gambling properly - my first reaction, isn't that funny.  I came home with about $3,300 of the amount I won, having fed a huge amount back, dollar by dollar, into the hungry, unseeing, greedy mouths of slot machines. A rare instance of subsidized entertainment.

I implore my boyfriend-now-husband to gamble on every trip we take. He enjoys it, knows I've "had a problem" but probably not to the extent that he should know, or maybe he's just refusing to listen. On our wedding night, we went to a casino - got drunk and gambled. We joked about at least knowing what vices we'd be dealing with in the other. I saw at least six casinos during our honeymoon.
 
I've lost many consecutive times.  I spent much of our wedding money on gambling. In the times when I've had a chance to get ahead, I either cheat and only pay some bills and gamble, or just ignore reality and gamble. I used to be a brilliant and frugal person. I have received numerous awards and distinctions in my young life. I lead a double life here in so many respects.

I need to be in a place where I can continue to make a lot of money but have no control over it. I'm grateful that I don't have any children or dependents to hurt in this process. I'm scared to repay this huge debt. HUGE! I don't like the people I see in casinos, angry zombies, sputtering at machines, making themselves emotionally dependent on a process that's designed to screw them. I see myself in my sweats at 3am, being that person, and I don't want to be her at all, ever again.

Some days, I feel busy but peaceful. I take a half hour of reading time in a coffee shop, with a good cup of joe and a great breakfast. I cleaned the bathroom. I worked with people. I buy a fancy lunch. On those days, I wonder where the hell-beast is, the one that says "Hey, let's spend every penny on a video game!  It'll be great! Drop everything and go blow all your money!

I want my life back. I want to take it back now. I want the brilliant frugal person back. I want to do the digging and self-exploration that I see in others so closely, and I want the courage and impulse-control required for abstinence and recovery.

 

Anonymous lady from the East Coast.

            My Friend "Rob"

I thought gambling was my friend, a friend I'll call "Rob". Our relationship began as harmless flirting but before I knew it we began to get very serious. When it was over, Rob had stolen from me all that mattered in my life; my savings, my career, friends and family, even my reputation and my self esteem.

Over time, our friendship grew to a full-blown affair. I thought about Rob every waking moment. At night I couldn't sleep or if I did, I would dream of Rob. Rob intruded into my workspace and my home life. I would slip out to meet Rob at every opportunity. I no longer cared to be with family or friends and I devised excuses to avoid them. I was possessed. I lied for Rob. I stole for Rob. I would have died for Rob and may have if it weren't for a chance meeting with a new friend that I met at Gambler's Anonymous.

It hasn't been easy but with the support of my GA brothers and sisters, my sponsor, the steps, and service work I am finally free of the hold Rob had on me. I know Rob is out there stalking me, waiting for me to weaken and return to the life we once shared. But I have a new friend now and we're planning a lifetime of togetherness. I call my new friend, Serenity.

Respectfully submitted,

Eloise D., Washington
 

                            Replacing Lies with Truth

‘Women at heart’ is an excellent vehicle for inner inspection of the lies that kept me from self realization and self expression. I was into comparison and competition and I sense that its origin began as a child when my mother said to me, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”

Now having gone through the journey to self, a journey that never ends, I realize as an adult, what my mother meant by that, was learn from your sister who is older than you and is doing good work. Right there was the message I took as a child that I had to measure up to what is accepted and acknowledged by those outer authority figures.

I did not get to explore and discover my own inner dimensions and my natural abilities, but then again, neither did my mother. I spent a good portion of my life comparing myself with those starlets on the movie screen and then later on television. I felt ugly by comparison, carried body, figure and form worship and by comparison saw myself as being undesirable and unwanted.

No matter how much success and praise I received throughout the years, I never felt any self acceptance as I am. That self rejection was there keeping me from appreciating the unique presence of my soul and soul purpose. I felt depressed and didn’t really enjoy being here in the physical world.

As much as I tried to remodel myself, the underlying unacceptability never gave me peace or joy in what I had achieved in career, in marriage or any other endeavor.

Then I reached out for God and what I found was God lives in all of us. I had been listening to the wrong voices. I came to see that those troubling thoughts were my challenge for achieving inner peace. When that shift occurred I knew I was on the road to healing those old wounds and coming to terms with my own mental and emotional choices that were influenced by the past. I am on the path of self discovery and self recovery. I will never give myself away to anyone’s ideal of what I should be. I keep the reality of the existence of the Divine in myself.

As I free myself of the judgements of myself, I can free myself of judgment of others. I can recognize those who are listening to their mind and not their soul and see them as mirrors of where I have been. I can hold the positive focus that someday, somehow, they will come home to their own inner soul.

~ Gertrude Halpern

Permission to publish this article granted by Patricia Robson at   www.women-at-heart.com

 

 "ya all come back now, ya hear!"

It was New Year's eve 1989. I was in the chapel of a house of prayer and it was 5 minutes before the stroke of midnight. I have always been a woman of deep prayer and so it is not unusual for me to hear the Voice of God speak to me. Well that night I will never forget how I heard this following thought during my quiet time with the Lord. He said "ya all come back now, ya hear!!!" I remember giggling at this and saying back to Him that I was not a southwestern American and that I didn't talk like that. But let me share this with you ladies. God knows all there is to know about your past and your future. Today is June 23, 2008. I found the web site www.sfcghub.com about 3 weeks ago and I can't tell you how I found it because I have not a lot of experience with computers.

But as a compulsive gambler I needed help and I needed help fast and it to be real help. Well, now you may be wondering what this thought I heard has to do with a miracle. Ladies, I am not American. I am French Canadian, but I found my GA sponsor who lives in southwestern USA and a new host of friends who all say this to me, Hi, ya all come back now. It is abundantly clear to me now that my Higher Power knew exactly what I'd be up to years after this experience. You see, back in 1989 I didn't have a gambling problem. My gambling started in 2003 as a means to escape the sorrow and pain I was in over being beaten and raped countless times as a small child. I could not stop gambling and I mean I was going nuts with this addiction. I tried and tried and tried, but to no avail. I continued to pray and by coincidence I ended up in the country with my boyfriend Marc. He wanted so much for me to remain here with him that he went out and bought me a computer. If I did not have this computer, I guarantee you - I would be out there again living a lie, sad and alone. But God as I understand Him knew that there would be a day when He would end my suffering and bring me to a place of rest and healing. I live now with Marc. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (severe) and I can't manage my own life. At least I can't manage my life to the degree that I go to work, drive a car and do all these normal things.

But my spirit is not dysfunctional, my soul rejoices in God's Loving ways towards me. You see, I never had a lot going for me ever since I was born. I had major problems my entire life and it's nothing short of a wholesale miracle that I am alive to share with you. We hear at the end of AA or GA meeting, Keep coming back. Well sometimes the Higher Power will speak to you directly by saying, Ya all come back now, ya hear.  Ah this is so wonderful. And the story will get better....

God bless

Suzanne, Canada
 

         Gripped by Gambling

 

What would you think if you saw seven police cars come and take your grandmother away in handcuffs? If you have not read or seen my book, you may click on:  www.grippedbygambling.com and take a peek at the  information inside the cover.  The web-site contains a list of events I've experienced which qualify me to write such a book, an autobiography with some photos of special times in my life, and several reviews sent to me by readers. The book may be ordered from Amazon.com. by the title, author or Isbn # 978-1-58736-770-0. 

 

Marilyn Lancelot , AZ    mslancelot@cox.net  

Questions about this site?
Ask the Webmaster: Denise DeSio

  gamblers have visited this site! Keep helping each other!