Volume No. V, Issue No. 8                                         August 2003

May 1st, 2003 will forever be emblazoned in my memory. I never want to revisit that day, but I must always remember it—the day I tried to end my life.

I remember driving, looking for an isolated but beautiful area. Peace and serenity were all I was searching for in my quest for death. Nothing was left for me. I had no integrity, no self worth, no money and absolutely no hope. Ashamed and disgusted with my life and my inability to change it, I parked at my chosen spot.

I prayed a lot, cried a lot and begged God to forgive my weaknesses, especially the one that destroyed my life—GAMBLING! I took the pills and waited to die. Sometime between 1 p.m. on May 1st and 8 a.m. May 2nd, my life was spared. I definitely know someone bigger than me was in the car that night because, according to the doctors, I should have died. After 6 days in intensive care, I checked into a behavioral health center for another 6 days. Physically ill, emotionally distraught and completely vulnerable to my surroundings, I began my life again.

My story is not that different from the stories I have heard and read. Although I was introduced to gambling by my parents from as early as I can remember, it didn't become an addictive problem for me until the last 10 years, or so I thought.

The truth is that I placed my first bet at about 6 or 7 years old at a racetrack with my parents. They allowed my sister and me to pick out the horses we wanted to win. Family vacations were spent in Las Vegas or Lake Tahoe. My parents were always gambling.

As a child I knew about bookies, racehorses, poker games, slot machines; you name it, they played it and I saw it. I saw that gambling made them excited and happy. I also remember lying to bill collectors for my mom and dad and my mother hiding mail (bad check notices) from my dad. In addition to gambling, they were both alcoholics.

I learned very early in life all the dynamics of compulsive gambling/addictive behavior. Behavior I put into active use and thrived on, until I ran out of money. Eloquent lies and manipulation allowed me to continue gambling, until eventually my bridges were burned with family and friends. Credibility and respect were gone. I sacrificed jobs/careers, sold personal property and personal treasures, and passed up holidays, birthdays and vacations because there was no money to celebrate them.

I avoided being part of family's, friends', and my own celebrations. My celebrations began and ended at a casino, alone in the crowds, escaping reality and destroying my life.

Life today, by the grace of God, is very different. I feel hopeful, excited by the future and extremely thankful to be alive! My children have been very supportive and our relationships are healing.

After my stay at the behavioral health center I started attending GA meetings locally. A small group attends the meetings, mostly men and most have five years or more of abstinence. Even though my recovery is still in its infancy, this group has already become part of my family. They are supportive, compassionate and quite inspirational. The group plans a BBQ to celebrate 90 days abstinence with me.

While we have had some women come in and out of the fellowship, most of the time it is just me and "the guys." I really appreciate having "Women Helping Women" to lean on when I feel the need to read stories about the experiences of other women, or just to know that other women have gone through and are going through similar experiences.

Thank you for allowing me to share with you. This whole experience has taught me to value every day as a gift. To let my family know how much I love and cherish them. Most importantly to forgive myself for the horrific behavior I displayed and to be proud of myself for the goals I have set for the future. Day by day, I am learning so many wonderful and positive things, and without gambling I am truly winning!.....................................Janice O., CA

AMBIVALENCE - AND PROCESSING IT!

I read with sadness of the many relationship endings that have come about during recovery, and I ponder on why this might be so. My own marriage of 19 years was one of the casualties of my addiction and recovery and while the actual ending came about during recovery, it was not caused by that. Neither did it end because of my addiction. In many ways, my addiction kept me in a marriage that had been jaded and unworkable for me for way too long.

My ex was happy with our relationship and life as we lived it then; I, on the other hand, had not been happy for a long, long time. I found it incredibly hard to raise the issue of my unhappiness with my ex knowing full well that he was going to be devastated by my wish to leave. So I kept hoping that everything would work out if I just kept focusing on the positives— if I kept on telling myself that my doubts and uncertainties were "normal" and part of every marriage.

I reminded myself often of the damage separation and divorce would cause our children. I'd say to myself, "Don't upset everyone's life because you are not happy. Your expectations are too high. ALL relationships go through times like these" But in the end, my feelings could not be ignored. Not even spending hours sitting in front of a poker machine could contain my irritation at my ex's blindness to my unhappiness. Sitting in front of a machine for hours did nothing to contain my irritation with myself at my inability to raise the issue and bring it into the open. I wanted him to notice and raise the subject, only in 10 long years, he never did; he, after all, was happy.

Being stuck in AMBIVALENCE (defined as the simultaneous existence of two opposing attitudes and emotions) fueled my addiction. Ambivalence is one of the most damaging generators of stress in humans, yet I couldn't see the part it played in my life until recently. AMBIVALENCE: I wanted to leave but felt I couldn't.

Ending the marriage would hurt too many people—our children, my ex and perhaps even me. I wanted to stay and work on the relationship, perhaps find in my heart the love I once felt for this man; but the thought of waking up next to him for another 40 years was almost as unbearable as the thought of leaving.

I wanted to leave, but wasn't at all sure that I would survive on my own. I wanted to stay but felt stifled in the relationship and totally responsible for maintaining it. I wanted to leave. I no longer loved him; and yet, I was afraid of leaving in case I found out our marriage was not the cause of my angst.

My internal debate about the marriage fostered ambivalence in another important area. I no longer found my work fulfilling—perhaps that was the cause of my unhappiness. If I changed careers, to earn an equivalent, I needed a uni degree. I needed to stay in the marriage if I were to retrain. And that was where I was when we moved to New South Wales where poker machines were everywhere.

There I was, STUCK in my present situation, in a job I no longer found fulfilling that I felt unable to leave, in a marriage I no longer wanted to be in that I felt unable to leave. I was uncertain of what I wanted to do work-wise and uncertain that changing career was worth the effort because of my age. So what did I do?

I spent hours and hours sitting in front of a poker machine waiting for something—anything —to happen that would get me moving. Waiting for a sign or an inspiration that would shake me out of the pit of ambivalence that I seemed to have dug myself into. And in gambling, I added to my dilemmas. Now I had a habit to feed that needed my ex's income and mine. I had a habit to feed that made changing careers even more risky.

Recovery has been a long and perilous journey for me. I've struggled to overcome pain and massive self doubt, but on reflection I can also see that along the way I have found a new career path to follow, one in which I can be of service to God and my fellow man—a career that I have been in training for all my life that adds purpose and meaning to my days. My marriage has ended, with all the hurt and despair that a breakup can cause, but there has been freedom and growth, learning and self discovery to come from the ashes of our divorce....Today, I have love, laughter, purpose, meaning and faith back in my life.   

Next month Sue shares where her climb out of her pit of ambivalence has taken her thus far.