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Perhaps
the time has come to discontinue the publishing of Women Helping Women. I am
not receiving any articles to add to the next months's issue.
If no one sends me an article within the next three weeks, this will be the
final issue. I have to say that this newsletter has been the most rewarding
opportunity to share thoughts and feelings, in my 21 years of recovery.
Reaching out and touching other compulsive gamblers has kept me in recovery.
I thank evryone who has submitted articles to this newsletter and to all the
readers that kept the Women Helping Women alive.
God bless you! |
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Self-exclusion
I’m writing this article from my work. As I thought about signing the
self-exclusion paper, I have to be honest
and say that I’m not quite sure I am the person to talk to about this.
I think my experience with self-exclusion would come across rather confusing
to try to explain my behavior in one sitting. I self-excluded after admitting my problem
when I had a couple weeks into the program. A GA sister
suggested I self-exclude and she went with me when I filled out the paperwork.
I chose the exclusion for a perior of ten years. I was very confused at the time and numb
is
the only word to describe my mentality. Six months later I did go back out
to gamble. I admitted
I had a problem but had not accepted the fact, so the self-exclusion
didn’t mean anything to me.
So with that being said, my last bet was made in 2005 and it was a jackpot
win. I don’t share this in meetings as I don’t want to trigger someone but
that is the truth. So there I was, banned from the casino and sitting at a
machine waiting for someone to catch me. It was then I knew I shouldn’t be
there. I had a feeling I will never forget and I think it was my
moment of acceptance. Looking back on it I can see that going to meetings
for six months had planted a seed inside of me even though I had no
recovery at that time.
When the attendant approached me to give me my pay-off, I told him I did not have my driver’s
license nor my SS number. I said I would need to go out to my car and get it. He
gave me a slip of paper and asked me my name. I lied and gave them my
daughter’s name. He took a Polaroid picture of me when I began to get
up from the chair. Did they know I was banned at that time? I quite honestly don’t know. When I left that day, I actually turned around for a moment
and said good-bye to gambling. The kicker to this story is that I took that
slip of paper and did give it to my daughter thinking maybe she could
collect. I do not know why I didn’t think of the consequences for her. She
went back and lo and behold the next thing she knew, she was sitting in a
back room with two Phoenix Police officers waiting to arrest her for fraud!
The kid had never ever been in any kind of trouble in her life. The only
thing she knew to do was to cry. What ended up happening however, was they
banned her from the casino for life and let her leave without an arrest as
she explained the woman in the picture was her mother and that I was self-excluded so that’s why I had lied. With that being said…
the commitment to
self-exclude early on was not coming from my heart and didn’t stop this
compulsive gambler one bit. BUT.. .Finally accepting the fact that I was a
compulsive gambler, and going to meetings, attending group therapy in ACT,
working on the steps with my sponsor and in a group, is
what has worked for me. That is what I am committed to.
I do think of self-exclusion as a tool but we have many other tools that
work for us as well. At this point, if I would ever get an urge, I know to
take a moment and play the whole tape back and because of my last
experience, the self-exclusion is a part of my tape. I’m committed not to go
in gambling establishments because of page 17 of our combo book and not because
I self-excluded. In fact, my youngest daughter was married in Las Vegas two
years ago, I did not attend. I have to stay true to who I am and who I am is
a compulsive gambler. I wanted to be a part of my daughter’s life in the
future, so chose to miss the special day.
This is just my opinion and mine only and like I said, maybe a bit confusing
for someone that doesn’t understand the depths of this illness. I can
explain it to you because I know you understand. Thank you Marilyn for all
that you do!!
Amy B., Arizona
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- Bingo!
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- A fun and easy night out. Right?
It can be. But Bingo can also become addictive, and a compulsive Bingo
player can seriously impact her/his life with negative consequences.
Today, the game of Bingo is offered in
casinos and online, and the number of players has increased. Initially,
the game can be traced back to a lottery game called, “Il Giuoco del Lotto
D’Italia” played in Italy in c. 1530. In the eighteenth century, the game
matured and in France the reading out of numbers began. So how did a game
intended to raise money for church events start to affect people’s lives?
Bingo can become compulsive.
Many years ago I sat in the Church Hall on Bingo nights, at the senior
citizen’s club, or at the VFW Hall, believing it was an innocent form of
entertainment. I felt the same excitement and adrenalin rush that I felt
years later, when I sat in front of the slot machines in casinos. You see,
symptoms of slot machine addiction or Bingo addiction are the same … and
start the moment that you feel that rush or get the high. I can remember the
ladies on each side of me with more than fifteen cards spread out on the
table and their hand holding the dauber, flying across the cards as they
listened to the called numbers. The table in front of some of the loyal
players would be covered with photos of their family, lucky statues or
pendants, and an occasional rabbit’s foot. It was a serious game.
- In the past twenty years I have
learned that many Bingo players become addicted and need treatment,
counseling, or Gamblers Anonymous meetings. One night at our GA meeting a
lady told me she was addicted to Bingo and I thought, “How can you get in
trouble playing Bingo?” While she shared her story she told the group,
“Well I get $620 each month from the State and I spend $490 at the Bingo
Hall.” That left her $130 to live on for the month.
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does not matter what game we become addicted to, if we show symptoms of
gambling addiction, we have a problem. In fact, a Bingo player goes
through the same phases as the card player, slot player, sports bettor,
etc. in the cycle of compulsive gambling addiction . The phases are the
winning phase, the losing phase, and the desperation phase. When a player
starts to notice the consequences of gaming, they can start to feel
depressed and begin to isolate, lie, and blame others for their problem.
Some other symptoms of Bingo addiction include:
Bingo starts to disrupt lives – Arguments with family about time spent
playing the game, lying about money lost, missing birthdays or other
family functions, and even interfering with their jobs. Some Bingo players
have left their small children at home or in cars outside the Bingo
parlors while they played the game.
Escape – Bingo addicts play to relieve the stress of something gone wrong
in their lives, real or imaginary issues.
Preoccupation – People who are addicted to Bingo obessessively think about
playing the game when they are not sitting at the Bingo table, and making
plans for their next visit.
Tolerance – A Bingo player who has developed into a compulsive Bingo
gambler needs to play more often or add more cards, to reach the same
initial high or buzz that they got when they started playing.
Withdrawal – When the addicted Bingo player makes an attempt to stop
playing, they experience symptoms of restlessness, insomnia, and
irritability. They discover that they cannot stop.
- Today, Bingo has evolved into popular online games where a
player only needs a credit card, and can sit in their pajamas in front of
their computers and play all day. There are more than 2,000 online
gambling websites and more being added. One online bingo industry stated
it had 80% female audience. Dr. Bowden-Jones, head of the National Problem
Gambling Clinic based in Shoho in London, stated that some women play up
to ten hours a day online.
The positive news for an addicted Bingo players is that there is help.
Help for compulsive gambling can be found via support groups such as
Gamblers Anonymous, through self help programs, in counseling
psychotherapy, or even in outpatient or inpatient treatment centers
specializing in gambling problems. In treatment for compulsive gambling
you can learn about your behavior and download wisdom from those who have
been successful before you.
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- Marilyn L., Arizona
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She Bets Her Life
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(From chapter on relapse in She Bets Her Life: a true story of gambling
addiction)
Barb showed up for the next meeting. “She looked like a whipped pup,”
Helen told me. “She said she knew what had happened. She’d called one of
her credit card companies to try to set up smaller payments. The
representative told her that wouldn’t be possible because her income was
so small. Then she went to her bank to see if she could get a loan to help
out with the payments. They told her that with her “unfortunate” history,
she couldn’t get a loan—even with her golden credit record with them. You
know she’s paid back almost all the money she took from the church. That
didn’t count for anything with her bank.
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“So she said she just thought, F–it, I’m sick of being good; took the 50
bucks she had in her purse; and went to the casino. She lost a bundle. But
she said she drove home and all she could think was, I still owe all that
money to the credit cards, and now I’ve got 56 bucks in my savings and 300
till the end of the month—and I feel awful. And, I know it’s going to take
forever for my brain to get back to normal.”
“Barb’s not the only one,” I said. “I got mad at somebody, looked out my
motel window and saw a casino sign, and that was it.”
Helen snapped back. “What the hell were you doing in a motel near a
casino?”
I was so surprised by her anger that I couldn’t speak. “Are you there?”
she asked.
“I am.”
“I’m sorry, honey,” Helen said, “it just seemed to me that you were
fooling yourself.”
“I’m not mad at you,” I said. “It never occurred to me to think about why,
of all the towns on the way to Bellingham, I decided to stay in the one
with a casino. I think I’d planned the whole thing from the minute I
started getting mad at my friend. No, I know I did.”
“Well good,” Helen said firmly. “What I’ve gone through has got to help
somebody. I’m glad it’s you.”
I thanked her and hung up.
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I turned away from the computer and thought about my words to my sponsor:
“Shoot, it might have taken four shrink sessions at $125 a pop minimum,
and I still might not have gotten it.” I’m a seat-of-the-pants learner—and
a hard case—when it comes to knowing what I have to know in order to
change my behavior. I was grateful that it had taken only 500 bucks to
shed light on part of what had driven me for the last eight to nine years
of my gambling history. I was even more grateful that I now knew what to
look out for.
Some people in twelve-step recovery refer to relapse as a “slip.” I don’t.
Even before I did the research for this book, I had always had hunches
that when I gave in to the urge to use—be it contacting an unavailable
former lover when I’d promised myself I wouldn’t; grabbing a sixth
chocolate chip cookie; pouring myself a third gin and soda when I knew I
had to get up at 6:00 AM; suddenly finding myself pulling into the casino
ninety minutes from my cabin with 60 bucks in my wallet, 40 in my savings,
100 in checking, and three credit cards I had yet to max out—I’d made not
one choice, but a series of choices… believe that when it comes to a relapse in a true addict, postacute
withdrawal rules. I think of the words on the GA Victoria website:
“Reality is not a comfortable place for recovering addicts of any sort”
and “This is the phenomenon that happens when a 20 year veteran of a
12-step program goes back to his/her addiction and leaves everyone
scratching their heads in disbelief.”
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Robert R. Perkinson’s powerful self-help guide, The Gambling Addiction
Patient Workbook, lists thirty-seven warning signs that point to relapse.
All of them fit with the discomfort and anaerobia that a recovering
gambler in postacute withdrawal can experience. As I read the list, I
found myself keeping count: apprehension about well-being—check;
denial—check; compulsive attempts to impose abstinence on others—I’d tried
to “cure” every one of my using friends; compulsive behavior—ha!;
loneliness—90 percent of the time; plans beginning to fail—welcome to the
collapse of the publishing world as I had known it; irritations with
friends—check and check and check.
Barb and I made it back into not gambling. Many women don’t. In the year I
sat with the Scheherazade’s Sisters, I listened to a dozen or so women who
hung out with us for a week, weeks, even months, and then disappeared
without a message to any of us. Each of us understood. We all knew how
insidious this addiction is.
Mary Sojourner, author of She Bets Her Life.
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21 years of recovery!
I just celebrated twenty-one years
of recovery from gambling. It has been a one-day-at-a-time journey. During
these years, I have met hundreds of men and women. Some have stayed in the
program but so many have gone back to their gambling addiction. Several came
back after six or seven years of additional gambling and they are doing great today.
Even if my stopping gambling had been the only benefit I gained, I would
have been grateful. But instead I have changed my whole life. Living in
recovery one day at a time has enabled me to change the character defects in
my life. I no longer have to lie, cheat or steal. I don’t have to be better
than anyone else. I no longer have to keep score because I am on equal footing with my GA brothers and sisters.
My life today is not a bed of roses but when I stumble across a thorn, I
have the resources to work through the issue. I have the Serenity Prayer, a
long list of phone numbers to call, meetings every day of the week, and Page
17 in the GA Combo Book. My sponsor told me years ago that the answers to
all my questions are in the little Yellow Book.
My family and I are closer today than we ever were. We all understand the
principles of a 12-step program and the definition of Spirituality. We
gently remind each other to remember, Easy does it, when there are outside
pressures. We consult and discuss family issues before they become tragedies
and put our trust in our Higher Power.
So many lessons I have learned in my 12-step program. I understand that
giving back what has been given to me, increases my recovery ten-fold.
Instead of worrying, I make a decision and live A Day at a Time. Gossiping
and control issues have been replaced by Live and let live. Most other
troubling issues in my life may be solved by the Serenity Prayer. I am
forever grateful for my recovery and my program.
Marilyn L., Arizona
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The intent of Women Helping Women
is to support and inform women in recovery from a gambling
addiction.
The opinions offered by lay-people
as well as professionals are based on their own experience and research
and may not reflect the opinions
of the editors.
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Gripped by Gambling
(The book is now available in
the Kindle edition)
The women in the Arizona GA Groups are a
close-knit bunch. I remember when I attended my first meetings and met
another female gambler (Lynne from CA) and how it made such a positive
impact on me. What could it have done for the other women who came to one or
two meetings fifteen years ago and never returned? Would it have been easier
for them to identify with the gamblers’ feelings if they met another female?
I vowed that if I did get a prison sentence, I would start a women’s GA
group after my release. I would share the hope and strength that Lynne
shared with me and show these women how they could stop gambling and begin a
new way of life. Through the years, Lynne and I formed a beautiful
friendship. She was and has been instrumental in my recovery and I’m
grateful to call her my friend and GA sister.
If you have not
read Gripped by Gambling,
watch a preview at: YouTube Video
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Switching
Addictions
Why didn’t someone tell me?
(The book is now available in
the Kindle edition)
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Today, I try to look carefully at the person in
the mirror before I criticize others. Gossip is simply idle talk and rumors.
One of my very favorite quotes is, “Say what you mean and mean what you say,
but don’t be mean when you say it.”We all need encouragement. A negative
word or silent stare can erase any positive comment. There are times when we
can offer constructive criticism, mix it with encouragement, and still be
supportive.
I no longer need to tear someone down to build myself up. Before comments
about others leave my lips, I ask myself, “What is the purpose of my remark?
Is it my intent to hurt someone?” Idle gossip destroys many relationships.
Someone whispers to me, “I ain’t one for gossiping, and you ain’t heard it
from me, but let me tell you.” I can be pretty sure I’m about to hear a
juicy secret. One can use gossip to entertain or share constructive
information, or it can be a tool to maliciously harm others. Repeating
something shared in confidence is disloyal and may harm the parties
involved.
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