Vol. XI  Issue No.  7  July 2010  

          Publisher:  Marilyn L.                 Editor: Betty C.

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          E-mail:     mslancelot@cox.net          bettyredux@aol.com                

 
Still Stuck

I just received an email from Marilyn asking me to contribute to the July newsletter. Of course it is an honor to be asked to do so but my first thought to you all is – how can I contribute when I am still stuck in the grips of gambling on a weekly if not daily basis. I then thought the only way to finally conquer this is to be honest. To tell it how it is … I have personally struggled with gambling for about 10 years. It all started when I went with my mum to the casino in New Zealand. I had a little flutter and a win, after that I was hooked. At the time my husband knew of all my comings and goings, gradually though the secrets began. Six and a half-years ago we moved to Australia and with me moved my gambling habit. When I arrived in Australia I had no friends or family – the only familiar thing I had was my gambling, which I soon escaped into on a regular basis. My gambling habit became progressively worse and so did my deceit.
 
Two years ago I decided enough, I had personally hit my emotional rock bottom. I was done – through with the lies and deceit and so I confessed everything to my husband. I also decided to attend Gamblers Anonymous. This was the hardest decision I had to make. I admitted finally that gambling had me beat. My attendance to these meetings on a Monday night became something I looked forward to. I stopped gambling and eventually started to heal and get better, this is not to say that I didn’t still have a gambling problem. I am an addict and I knew that if I went back to my old ways things would get bad very quickly. For sixteen months I was completely free from gambling – not a cent went through the machines. I felt so much better and my self esteem improved. I had been on a holiday to Europe and the States with my husband, I had re-trained and started a new career as a florist, my life was complete.
 
I didn’t know – but a bombshell was about to hit and I wasn’t ready. I hadn’t been to meetings for a few weeks and I was floored. I found out that my husband had been having an affair. It had been going on for two years, while I was healing – he had started his own game. Unfortunately, I used this as a catalyst to start gambling again. My husband and I have decided to stay together – for now. We have three beautiful teenagers, who don’t know about the affair, my oldest two do know about my gambling. They know that I have made an effort to stop, they don’t know I have started again. No one does. I haven’t been back to meetings and I just feel lost. I don’t know what to do and yet I know what the sensible thing would be. For now I don’t feel that I can tell my husband. But I know G.A is there and waiting.
 
It is going to be a long road back and I don’t know if I have the fight in me. It feels such a waste. I still believe in one day at a time – perhaps at the moment I need to think minute by minute. I hope my story can help others. It is not one that is easy to tell and I know it isn’t over. I hope to be able to look at the newsletter when this comes out and realize that I haven’t gambled since I wrote this. The truth is that my mind is thinking about gambling now and how and when the next bet will be.

Truthfully,

Suzi from Australia

 
RECEIVING THE GIFTS OF RECOVERY THROUGH THE 12 STEPS
 
Renee Siegel, MA, LISAC, NCGD-II
 
Traveling the road of recovery invites many experiences. Oftentimes the road seems bumpy and other times smooth but it is never even and predictable. During the active addictive process––life was very predictable. It always had negative consequences awaiting. At times these consequences were visible and sometimes they came as a surprise, but they always appeared; failed relationships, physical discomfort or declining health, poor job performance, legal problems, sleepless nights and aggravation and resentments abounding.
 
Although the problems were varied, they were in fact predictable. Many enter recovery expecting life to unfold in a certain way. They believe since they have quit participating in their addiction, family, friends, employers and others will begin to immediately forgive and trust them again. They believe they have changed and so should those who say they  care for them.
 
Where is the gift in recovery? The gift is in the 12-step approach to recovery. Coming to the meetings and joining with other members of the fellowship is the first gift. Fellowship members ask that you allow others to love you and support you in spite of the fact you do not love or accept yourselves. Meeting others who have been through similar experiences help you to not feel alone. Members really understand as they also behaved in similar and uncharacteristic ways. They are not surprised or shocked by the stories we shared. They do not judge you for your actions and in fact, share their sadness that others continue to judge and do not care to understand. When there is a slip, relapsing into old self-destructive behaviors—they stand with open arms and welcome you back into the fold. They take a seat next to you praising you for the courage to return and give it another go. They thank you for sharing and let you know you’re the most important person in the room—a reminder to even those who have been attending for a while they too are only one step away from a relapse if they do not maintain a healthy respect for their addiction.

Continued gifts appear through the opportunities that life presents by bringing up situations that have been neglected. Life happens––an argument with a loved one, resentments, problems on the job, dissatisfaction with choices you continue to make, poor judgment and sleepless nights often occur as you uncover more of the denial about your character defects and contemplate tormenting yourselves with continued guilt and shame about the past.

Attending meetings is where it all starts. Reading the steps at the meetings is moving forward. Now, working the steps is next. Find a step meeting. Sometimes it’s as simple as going to a step meeting that precedes a meeting you already attend. Ask others at meetings you attend if they would like to work the steps with you. Work with a sponsor who has a history of working the steps. Many people say they do not know where to begin their journey of step work. Books are available to guide you and recovery bookstores have step guides and other books to help you get started. If you have a religious affiliation there are step workbooks that will guide your step work in an aligned way with your religious beliefs.

Accept the gift that is present at all recovery meetings––The 12 Steps––and use them to help you to live life on life’s terms and find serenity and peace.

Renee Seigel  is the Executive Director of ABC Wellness Centre., a treatment center specializing in the treatment of addictions and trauma. ABC has locations in Scottsdale, Mesa and Prescott, AZ.
 
I can't remember when I changed that rule . . .
 
Addiction is a disease, no matter what we are addicted to. For me, my drug of choice is MORE, more alcohol, more drugs, more food (specifically sugar), and more jackpots or wins. I just don't know when to stop once I get started. It was as if the off switch was broken and some outside force has to make me stop. Either I would pass out from too much drugs and alcohol, throw up from too much sugar, or run out of money or ways to get money in a casino. I finally realized gambling was a problem when I did something I swore I would never do. I took a cash advance on my credit card at 35 percent interest after I had borrowed up to my limit of $10,000 on my casino marker and lost it all. In one weekend I had lost more than most people earn in a year and was still looking for more money to play!

Over the years, I would have certain rules I'd follow to make sure my gambling wouldn't get out of hand, my version of responsible gaming. For the most part, I followed those rules faithfully and enjoyed my gambling outings four times a year. But in the last year, I started going 12 to 24 times a year instead of the normal four, and my rules would change throughout the evening. At first, the rule I would never break was to never spend my winnings. I always took the winnings home and only spent my bankroll. I can't remember when I changed that rule and dipped into my winnings, but one night I won over $30,000 in jackpots and left with only $10,000. I kept telling myself  "I will stop when I lose down to $25,000" then the number kept dropping until I left with only $10,000. I had won five hand-paid jackpots that last weekend I gambled, and was up with over $7,000 in my pocket but put all that and more back into the machines. I left the casinos owing $22,000 after I had won all that money the previous night. How in the world did that happen? My rules had all gone out the window.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result. I remember thinking of that while I was stuffing hundred after hundred into a dead slot machine, doing the same thing over and over and expecting not to lose this time. This hundred would be different, but it never was. I lost and lost and lost and kept on losing. Even when I won, I lost, because I kept playing it back until it was gone.

Looking back, I can not answer the question "how much is enough?" The truth is, no matter how much I won, it would never be enough. I would keep playing thinking I could win more. Greed is one of my character defects that step six talks about. Then, when I would lose, I would play more to try and win my money back. Fear is another of my glaring character defects. I have always considered myself a smart person. I know that casinos are in business to make money, and the odds are always in their favor. But I have this weird mental twist and totally wrong idea that somehow I am different and I can beat them. That is addiction. My ego is so much bigger than my life and the casinos play into that. Self-centeredness and self-seeking are common to all addicts. It mentions that in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is the root of our problem. And casinos seem to exploit that self-seeking attitude that addicts have, assigning hosts to give you all the free exclusive stuff offered to only the special patrons. If you spend or play at that certain level (ie: lose enough), they will open doors for you and make you feel like a king or queen. Wow! What a dangerous place for this addict to go! My ego gets so overly inflated. Even with all my self-knowledge and insight, I cannot keep myself free from addiction. It has to come from God.

That last gambling spree in part was a result of losing my mother and father within eight months. They died so close to each other and I was dealing with tremendous grief. Feeling like an orphan, feeling sorry for myself and trying to avoid the pain of losing both my parents seemingly all at once. I couldn't drink or use drugs to ease the pain (I had been sober and clean for seven years), so I used gambling and overeating to escape the pain. That is when I saw my gambling problem plain as day. I know what addiction feels like, and I know how recovery feels. The only way out of addiction is with a spiritual experience. I am so grateful that GA uses the 12 steps as adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous. That is what makes me know it can work. The 12 steps saved my life from years of addiction before and I know it can work again. The first GA meeting I attended in my hometown is called Enough is Enough. How fitting! In that meeting, I met other women just like me who had a problem with gambling as well as other substances. For anyone who is having trouble finding a GA meeting, the GA website is a wonderful resource. When I travel to towns where there are no GA meetings, I can still find recovery in other 12 step meetings. Narcotics Anonymous discourages members from mentioning their drug of choice by name, which makes it easy for me to substitute gambling as my unnamed drug of choice whenever the others talk about recovery from their drug of choice. Recovery (the 12 step solution) is the same even though the manifestation of addiction may be different. I am so very fortunate today that I don't have to gamble anymore. Staying away from the first bet, the first drink, or the first drug is the main thing I have to remember. Like a train, it's not the caboose that kills you, it's the engine! So, just for today, I am clean, sober, and free from sugar and gambling. That is a miracle.

Anonymous
 
The intent of Women Helping Women is to support and inform women in recovery from a gambling addiction. The opinions offered by lay-people as well as professionals are based on their own experience and research and may not reflect the opinions of the editors.
 
Hi Marilyn! I just finished reading your book "Gripped by Gambling" and I'm reading the news letter Women Helping Women! Boy what an interesting site for women compulsive gamblers!! I am a compulsive gambler and am trying to quit. I have the support of my two grown children and my husband. I got into debt with my credit cards and am now on a tight budget to pay them off in two years so that my husband can retire. We have also wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise so that is my focus on not going to the casino. Reading the Newsletter and your book has given me that extra boost of confidence. I am not going to GA but may have to for their support. Thanks again for the Wonderful Book!

Take care and good luck to all of the other people that are reading this letter! No gambling for me for 18 days and counting!!!

Alice from Minnesota
 
Gripped by Gambling     http://www.grippedbygambling.com
 
 
I am working on a sequel to Gripped by Gambling and hope to have it published by August 2010. The second book will cover many addictions in addition to gambling. Here are another couple of paragraphs from Switching Addictions: 
 
And then one afternoon, while sitting alone at my kitchen table, an empty bourbon bottle in front of me, I realized the alcohol wasn't working. What would I do if I couldn't escape into the bottle? I drank the whole bottle this morning and I’m not even high. What do I do now?  For seven years the first thing I thought about when I got out of bed was, I have to have a drink to take away the shakes; I hope there’s enough left in the bottle so I don’t have to go to the store; and maybe I’ll think about quitting. I couldn’t quit today. I was too sick and I can handle it one more day. I will definitely quit tomorrow.

Two years later, one afternoon when my husband was at work and the kids were all in school, I began crying and looked around the kitchen and asked myself; Is this the way I want to spend the rest of my life? When I reached the age of fifty or even seventy, would I still be sitting here staring at an empty bottle?

 If you have not read Gripped by Gambling, you can watch a preview at:    YouTube Video 
 

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